A bit of me

Sometimes i don’t know how to express my feelings. How to express my emotions. Other times i am afraid to say what it is on my mind. Ain’t fear what holds me. I like to think in some way I actually protecting those that push my buttons.

No many words when I am anguing with someone …but i mean what i said. I been told for so many people that when I want to I am can be an smooth talker and I know I can bullshit most people. But why say too many words and at the end don’t say anything?

One, two or perhaps too many flaws…..i know that. Let’s be realistic everyone have flaws. Ain’t a perfect person.

Maybe ain’t the right person for you. But I do my best to fill your needs. I recognize when I make a mistake.

I might not be the man you want. But till the guy shows up I’ll keep you warm.

I don’t know much about poetry…. I just write what it pops on my mind. Or say how you make me feel.

Rude with my touch…. I try not to be. Sometimes just want to feel your skin against mine.

Ruthless with almost everyone. I am practical…. unless someone attack my circle. I do not care what happened to my neighbor.

I search inside myself….. and I love my grown….. when I love someone I go all in

I have not idea what it feels to win…… some people says it is because i don’t risk much and I just try……I do known that when I lose i own my loses… I try to learn from em. To see what I did wrong. And improved myself.

I don’t know how to swim….. but I do it….. fears many….just don’t let those control me.

In my 33 years I learn that if I am good, healthy, happy, sad, mad, angry…… to the universe that means shit. Everything keeps going around me. 

 

 

 

 

 

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​When you are not here.

when you are not around … or I am somewhere else in the world.when you are not around… I get confuse every half second.when you are not around… the solitude gives me a wrong advice.

when you are not around… that parachute doesn’t open and I jump regardless. Getting lost inside empty rooms.when you are not around… when you are not around with me.

when you are not around… the empty house ask me when you’ll come back.I write cruel versus to myself.when you are not around… I wait for you.

when you are not around… I spend my day counting the minutes.when you are not around… I get lost in the dark when you are not around… the solitude gives me a wrong advice.

when you are not around… I only wish see you walk through the door.what happen when you come back… I L…e more.

I am waiting to see you again……

Alone

Sitting in my room. Thinking how the fuck i end up alone…. then I remember I always do everything I can to pushed people out. To excluded myself.

Once again I got what I wish……

Friends

This will help short…..maybe not…

I have been know for been an asshole around my friends. I don’t cry, I don’t share much about me. I do not care for how much they spend on their cars or watches. Simple explanation. I make my own money and pay my bills like anyone else. And I spoiled myself. I enjoy life and I don’t give a damn if my friend’s buy a $50k car or watch.

I enjoy my life. I create my own fun so I can laugh. I can take a joke and i respect anyone’s point of view. I always tell anyone if you gonna clown on me be ready because I’ll clown on you. And when i do its usually with something that I know will bother them.

Even when it seems that I am clowning on them if they need my help I do it. That’s how I think friends are for. The ones that would say shit that others might not say. Ones that will busted your balls but have your back.

I still live my life with the rule of if you have my back I will have your back. If you play me dirty I will turn my back.

So far are working……

Loner

Doesn’t matter if i pushed them away or they just walk away.

Son…to him I am just the dad. The dude that will pay for stuff.

Wife..to her just the dude that pay for stuff.

Girlfriend…. to her the wannabe that doesn’t know how to handle her.

Friends… the funny dude

Family…the brother that they don’t care.

Online sub… the dude that makes her laugh.

That’s what i am……

Rage

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The other night I didn’t handle things the best way possible. I let my anger take over. I let Joker to speak for me. And in some way I am ok with it and at the same time I am pissed at myself.

It doesn’t take much to understand me. To knock when it is mot convenient to keep poking me. If i asked a question I don’t want the other person to try to understand my following move. I just want my damn answer.

I admit my title demands that I should be in control. I should remain calm and handle any situation like it’s just that a situation.

I laying down on my big bed…..and my subconscious reminds me what I know since I was 10….. I am alone….. I am here for everyone. But who’s there for me. Am I allow to feel this way. To feel that even with my title hear that words “good job sir”. I am fooling myself once again. Of course ain’t allow to that.

It doesn’t matter how I feel. I have a title to hold, an image to protect, a reputation to grown. I am The Joker. A ruthless bastard without a heart. Without the hability to feel anything. I am to some a dom, a daddy and it’s my duties to protect em. No time to feel down  not time to feel sad. I just have to brush it off (as always) whatever feeling goes thru my chest and smile. The function continues. This does not end till the fat lady sing.

 

 

 

 

Sick

I been sick for over a week. Initially i thought it were my allergies. Then i found out i have strep throat.

Without any intention i think i pass it to babygirl (She been sick also).

After 5 days of been takin my meds I still feel sick. But not physical sick more like…… moral sickness.

Why do i feel like that. Well like i said i been sick since last Wednesday for sure. Then babygirl were sick. However we manage to go to a social presentation. Just us. Her husband and her girlfriend decide to stayed home. The husband as usual pushed us out the door. So we wemt have fun. We both sick. Her more than me.

The next day she text me asking me to spend time…… we did not have alone time in a bit time…… so i told her sure……i arrived to her place before 6. Then her husband said he have some business to take care at the local dungeon of our community. I stayed with babygirl watching movies. My poor babygirl were coughing and sweating but we manage to watch couple movies. Have some talk. Got excited and put some points. I couldn’t stayed….. since i didn’t plan sleep over i did not have my meds. By the time i left it were 1:30 AM of a Sunday.

What makes me sick to my stomach are  the fact that her husband did not care for her. Leaving for 24 hours knowing that she were sick. Yes i am the boyfriend/Dom but his the husband/Master and he were so sick that he couldn’t go the night before with us but feel well enough to go next day and play twice.

What it makes me sick are that much appreciation that he have for her. Babygirl text me Sunday afternoon telling me she ran out of meds and have a bit of fever. But have no car or money. The master that should be take care of her were too busy doing god knows what.

Also bother with her girlfriend. It might not be her fault but she did knew that babygirl were sick. And didn’t seem to care to tell master that they should go check on her.

I heard babygirl vent over text and i did my best to do not say something that will come bite me on the ass later.

So yea that kind of attitude makes me sick.

I am sure I’ll heard about that it this coming Wednesday.